Thursday, 28 August 2014

A New Leaf

Hey guys,
Today's gonna be a bit of a personal post/ramble and me being someone who's not exactly the best speaker...or in this case, best writer in the world so a lot of this may not make sense but please bear with me :)
So, on Tuesday, I had a college interview and got in *Woop!*. Now, on the face of it, being accepted into college doesn't look like that much of a big deal but for me, a 19 year old who's been out of education for nearly two years due to lots of things such as bad timing,fate and depression, it's fair to say that Tuesday meant a lot to me. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this but something I realised a couple of weeks ago is I'm much more secretive than I thought. I always thought I'm quite an open person and I think I used to be before but now as I reflect back, I can definitely see that my depression and all the pain surrounding it definitely converted me into an emotional introvert. Recently, I've been helping(talking) to someone who's currently going through depression and I've been telling her all this stuff that helped me get better and then one thing caught my eye, I've been giving this person all these points/advice on how to get better yet I was barely listening/using my own advice. Although I've always done this ever since I was young, I guess I never truly realised how important it is for us to follow our own advice because, at the end of the day, we are the ones who know ourselves most..and best.
So I made a vow. A vow to try and follow my own advice. So, first piece of advice for me to follow is to confront my fears and one of those fears is opening up and talking honestly about my feelings..especially the negative ones and that's why I'll tell you something I've never told anyone, my biggest fear right now:

I'm scared.

I'm really 'crapping my pants' scared..not literally of course.

I'm scared about everything.
I'm scared about failing.
I'm scared about succeeding.
I'm scared about not fitting.
I'm scared of the future.
I'm scared about not being close to God in the future.
I'm scared about the next year.
I'm scared about getting depression again.
I'm scared about not getting into university.
I'm scared about falling in love.
I'm scared about opening up to anyone. Bottom line is, I'm scared...a hurt too.
I was so scared about Tuesday that I pretty much never told anyone about the interview just in case anyone asked how I was feeling to which I imagined myself breaking down and sporting a 'Kim Kardashian' esque crying face but with the addition of bloody red eyes, loads of mucus(disgusting i know, but it's the seems like my nose has learned how to cry as well) and mascara stained tears all over my face. Actually, come think of it, this is probably one of the reasons I choose to keep quiet about my emotions especially when I'm struggling.
Now, this isn't to say that I'm not okay because for pretty much 98% of the time I'm ok...but I guess lately I've been realising that, as hard as it is for me to admit, I need help because I can't deal with everything on my own and I also feel like there's a lot of people out there right now whoare/have been in my shoes. I've realised that as much as we find it hard to open up to others especially about our emotions and struggles, it's very important that we do this because it helps so much and you'll be surprised to realise how much we all struggle with the same things which strangely helps a lot because it helps us realise that we're not alone in whatever we're struggling with.
I guess what I'd say to everyone is don't be afraid of opening up to others but also, if people open up to you, don't judge them whatever they tell you.

Most importantly though, I thank God for always being with me but especially in the last two years because I know in my head and my heart that I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for God.

Much love and God bless.
Emily x

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